A Lesson in Discernment

I love social networking sites. I think I’ve established that. The amount of time I spend reading through tweets and Facebook status updates is a little ridiculous. Most of the time, it’s just a fun way to kill a few hours, but sometimes it leads me down unexpected paths.

Let’s take this past Saturday night . I had started following this guy on twitter. I’ll call him Wayne. Anyway, I thought his tweets were hilarious so we made plans to meet up at “The Fat Cat,” Columbus’s local gay bar. I was really looking forward to a fun night on the town, hanging out with the mind behind all those witty tweets.

I spent my first few minutes at the joint looking for my friend. I was having some difficulty. I had unknowingly planned my outing on lesbian night so finding a guy should not have been that hard, but I couldn’t see him anywhere and I started to wonder if he flaked out. Wayne finally found me and I realized why I’d had such trouble. Standing in front of me was a fabulously flamboyant creature standing proud at 5 foot 2 in Ugg boots and his sister’s jeans. I had scanned the crowd at least a foot higher than his head for someone wearing something a bit less shocking. I was a bit disappointed, but I still knelt down to give him a hug and say hello. I wasn’t about to rule a guy out on the basis of height and poor wardrobe choices, but then he started talking. I’m not typically one to judge, but wow – if he wasn’t calling the lesbians at the bar fat and ugly, he was trying his hardest to entice me to a sordid romp in the restroom with his stories of when he used to do porn. Great – not only is he appallingly rude, he is easier than level one of Super Mario Bros. Call me naïve but I still enjoying talking to a guy and developing some sort of friendship and trust before I welcome his tongue on my earlobe. I wasn’t having it.

I was pretty sure that nothing could get worse, but then Wayne tells me, “I’m bored. If you won’t go home with me, I might as well just leave.” Music to my ears, right? Get this – he had no way of getting home. Thinking quickly, I offered to call a cab but he had no money and fully expected me to pay for his cab ride on top of his cover and drinks! Excuse me? An adult should know how he’s going to get home once he goes out for the night and should not go out if he can’t afford it. Is that an unreasonable expectation? I didn’t think so. Fair or not, there I was, stuck babysitting a drunk quasi-midget porn star.

I couldn’t hear myself think over the singer’s loud 4 Non Blondes cover so I grabbed Wayne by the shirt and made him follow me outside. That’s where I met my knight in shining skinny jeans. He knew Wayne and could tell what I was going through. He introduced himself to me, “I’m John.” What a lovely name, John. I knew some miracle placed him there specifically to save me.

He didn’t really do much but make me smile again and spark the confidence to tell Wayne that he had to make some phone calls to get himself home. It took some reminding…and regrettably some forced removal of his hand from my waist, but eventually I got him to leave. Relief – finally. I spent the rest of the night with John, my savior, and his friends from Atlanta. Evening saved, I fully enjoyed myself.

What did I learn? Just because someone’s twitter fascinates you doesn’t mean that they won’t have the exact opposite effect in person.

Similar experiences? Let me know in the comments!

  1. “Great – not only is he appallingly rude, he is easier than level one of Super Mario Bros.” may be the quote of the decade….

  2. What a night! You should have come to the Tap, Saturday night, I would have rescued you!

  3. this one makes me laugh…. The many times I have heard of this or experienced myself.

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